I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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