She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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