My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
