And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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