Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
