I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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