Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
