I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
