tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
