I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
