OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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