Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
