I hate all girls vehemently.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
