i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
