Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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