I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
