drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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