They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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