Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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