I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
