and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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