woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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