Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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