The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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