good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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