You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
