went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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