I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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