i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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