Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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