Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
