the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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