If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
