Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.