Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.