Got a toothbrush?
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme