I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.