Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
