how can u be prego again
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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