dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
