I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
