my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
