You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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