When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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