New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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