In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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