Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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