Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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