Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
