Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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