I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
