Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
