my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
