did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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