she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
