I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
