i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
