Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We smell like vodka and hangover
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