I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
