so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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