I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
